Preexisting conditions
started in whispers

The world had a new villain
spreading quickly, mysteriously
but we were told not to worry
for it was only harmful to those
– drop your voice now, to sound tactful –
with preexisting conditions

With the first deaths
on American soil
each news story made sure to note
the real reason they actually died:
preexisting conditions

We were told it was only
they very old
and the very sick
that needed to be concerned
and I thought to myself
but shouldn’t that concern everyone?

We were told again and again
only a small fraction of the population
should be worried
and that worried me
how little we all seemed to care about protecting them

Preexisting conditions!
I was lectured by more than one Christian
That’s who have to be worried here
Those are the people at risk

They are not we
So why should we care?

I struggled to find
a soft place to land
in the face of their callousness
a way to explain
that we were talking abut me

For it wasn’t only
the very old
or the very sick
it was also
the very unlucky

those of us
like me
with preexisting conditions

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I know the cruelty
of being handed a body that doesn’t work
an immune system that just can’t
health that is out of my hands
a future that is out of my control
I have questioned if God can truly be good
if She made a body like mine

Yet I never imagined
I would know the cruelty
of watching Christians dismiss caring for the sick
of putting their health above mine
choosing the opposite of Jesus’ second commandment
of rolled eyes and shrugs and, worse:
cold indifference
I now question if God can truly be good
if Her followers turn the other cheek
on me

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Salvation came
in the form of a needle
but some of us didn’t need saving
and some of us
didn’t feel like saving others

I fought back tears
as Hope was shot into my arm
thinking of those who didn’t live to see this miracle
thinking of how this might change everything

And then my hope began to dwindle
inversely correlated
to the growing percentage
of Christians who refused to partake

The same ones that taught me
that our responsibility is to each other
were the ones who shrugged their shoulders
at a 3% death rate

The same ones that told me
‘my body, my choice’ doesn’t hold water
were suddenly screaming it in the streets
(only when it came to their bodies, of course)

And the ones who claimed to believe both
the second greatest commandment
and
greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life
apparently didn’t see a need
to love me
and my disabled body
or rather
didn’t see a need
to love my body
by laying down theirs
into a chair
and rolling up their sleeve

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I grew up in a Church
who didn’t care about what was legal
when it came to gay marriage or abortion
but as mask mandates changed
suddenly the Church was happy to defer to the law
to trust politicians to be moral
to follow where culture leads
to hide behind the bare minimum
of what was legally required

My faith grew up
in a pandemic
where I learned
Christians care about action
until it’s something they don’t want to do
Christians care about sacrifice
until it’s only beneficial for some
Christians care about the sick
until they are asked to get their own bodies involved

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My chest hurts
when I breath too deep
they tell me its only muscular,
nothing to worry about
they tell me long Covid is still a mystery
to take some Tylenol
for the weekly fevers
to give it a few months

And with every deep breath
that brings a deep pain
I wonder if I’ll feel this way forever

My anger burns
when I think about it too much:
who the Church showed herself to be
more concerned with personal rights and liberties
more concerned with choice
than with my life

And with every flush of anger
when they preach of protecting the innocent
with every involuntary eye roll
as I hear someone discuss loving their neighbor
I wonder if I’ll feel this way forever

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You have to compartmentalize it
she said
You can’t only see us as anti-vaxxers
as she defended her right
to risk my health

And I wondered what it felt like:
the kind of privilege
to compartmentalize the pandemic

To not worry that every cough
was the start of something
you could never return from

To not live in a world
who continually debated
how much your life was worth protecting

To not have a face come to mind
every time you read of another death
to not be reminded daily
of the friend
who one day you were messaging
and the next day was gone

To not wonder when your disease will be next
to be written off by the public
as simply
a preexisting condition