2016 started out so great. So, so great. The first few minutes of the new year I was dancing next to some of my best friends – dressed up! – in a brewery filled, surprisingly, with a lot of people I knew. I am such a fan of going to an event and stumbling upon more friendly faces than you expected to see. It’s one of my favorite feelings. New Year’s Eve was filled with good food and good drinks and even better people, it had laughter and dancing, and I went to bed extremely late and extremely happy.

The first few days of the year continued to get better. I got together with friends to catch up, to talk about our holidays, to dream about the new year and what it might hold. Definite events and exciting unknowns. I spent a lovely afternoon with new friends and old, discussing what the last year held for us – high lights as well as low. I managed to get a motley group together to play banangrams at a bar, one of my current favorite hobbies, and I just love when my friends all mix together. I finished a few books (alllllllways a great feeling). After 31 long days of Dressember, I got to wear jeans! I’ve been on cloud 9. I find myself dancing in the car alone, singing out loud while doing the dishes. I’ve been so happy.

And yet, let me make this oh-so-very clear: my life is a mess. I won’t go into too many details, as I’m learning boundaries with this whole putting-your-private-life-on-the-internet business, but I’m far from perfect. My life, currently, is even further from perfect. I’m still healing from a lot of hurt 2015 brought. Let’s be real, I’m still healing from a lot of hurt the past 24 years brought. I’m waiting on some answers. Answers that, although I know will come in time, can – at times – feel like they’re never coming. I’m walking blindly forward in some areas – small, tentative step after small, tentative step. And in other areas, it feels like I’m completely stuck – no where to move forward. It hasn’t been all sunshine and rainbows. 2015 ended with a tragic death of a family friend; 2016 has already contained some phone calls and texts I wish it didn’t. Life is hard. Even with the seemingly magical start of a fresh new year.

In this strange mixture of so much bitter and so much sweet, I’ve learned a strange lesson: You can be perfectly happy when your life is so very far from perfect. Because happiness doesn’t come from Instagram likes or a Facebook official relationship; it doesn’t come from having a prestigious job or exciting, newsworthy plans every single weekend. It has a lot more to do with who you are and Who you know than we like to think. It would be easier, if we could simply keep heaping on more coverup, keep throwing back more drinks, keep adding more filters to our lives. Happiness would be more accessible if we could pick it up at Target (preferably in the Dollar Spot), order it on Amazon Prime (2 day shipping!) or even download it from the app store. But we can’t. Those things are just bandaids, quick fixes, lies that we want to believe. Happiness has so much more to do with who we are, who we chose to be. With who we allow in our lives, in our safe circle. With what voices we choose to listen to – society’s lies or the Truth we’re offered – with Who we turn to in the hard times.

Cheers to 2016 – and all the imperfect, messiness it brings!

As I’ve been reflecting on the start of this year (it hasn’t even been a full week yet!), I’ve been surprised at just how much of a mess some things are… and yet how happy I’ve remained. It’s been frustrating, let me tell you. There’s been tears. There’s been moments I wanted to give up. And there’s been a lot of yelling that I had to swallow back down, before the words left my mouth; a lot of texts that didn’t get sent, even though in the moment I really wanted them to be. And, yet, there’s been a lot of laughter. There’s been encouragement, love, and a whole lot of hope. There’s been surprises – good and bad. Mostly, there’s been perspective. That my life isn’t – and will never be – perfect. Yet I can love it regardless. I can love the mess. I don’t have to love the pain, but I can love the process. I can be grateful for the healing; I can be glad for the growth. I can be happy.

No, life isn’t about chasing happiness. I know that. Happiness is fleeting, everything is meaningless. I’ve read Ecclesiastes, people. I’m not trying to endorse chasing after whatever makes you, in the moment, happy. And I’m not trying to force the “God is great, all the time, smile, smile, smile!” card that some churches pull – sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it hands you so much pain you don’t know what to do. Sometimes you are so very far from happy. And that’s okay. That’s okay! Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. There are some seasons of life where you’re the opposite of happy. And you’re that way for a while. You don’t have to “get over it” or “just move on” or “shrug it off” – feel what you’re feeling. Take it to Him, because He can take it. Trust me. This time last year, I was in a dark season that seemed to have no ending. But an ending came. It always does. If you’re there, friend, I’m so sorry. This blog is not for you. But my prayers are. Keep breathing, keep living – it’ll get better.

I’m learning that I’m allowed to be happy, even when on paper I shouldn’t be. Because you know what? You’re allowed to sit at home alone on a Friday night… and still be happy. You’re allowed to be single, and be happy. Psh, you’re even allowed to be married and be happy! You can get fired and be happy. You can get rejected and be happy. You can try a new recipe and have it turn out inedible and be happy! You’re even allowed to post your favorite picture of your favorite thing ever on Instagram and not even get enough likes where it goes from random user names to an actual number…. and still. Be. Happy. You can be unemployed or waiting for answers or sick or longingly staring at the next stage in life to hit…. and you can be happy. You’re allowed to go to sleep at night with a smile on your face, even when your day majorly sucked. You’re allowed to want so much more from your life – have hopes and dreams for the future – and yet still be happy for what you have now. You’re allowed to be aware of every flaw you posses, and love yourself despite it all. You’re allowed to sit in the mess that is your life and look around at it, fondly, and be thankful that it’s yours. You can be perfectly happy when your life is far from perfect. At least I am.