July has been crazy.
I’m not sure if the recent-college-grad in me is still used to the idea of summer being relaxing and carefree (RIP 3 month breaks of all responsibility). Or maybe it’s the season of life I’m in: weddings, weddings, and more weddings. Or the universe just has a sick sense of humor and decided to have a little fun – shaking around my social calendar, shuffling everything around, and having everything land, jumbled, right on top of each other. Friends who have asked to hang out with me get the same, generic response: “I’d love to! I’m crazy busy. Can we plan something in, say, 3 weeks?”
I’ve had 3 weddings, 2 bachelorette parties, 1 week spent up at camp with Flood Youth, 4 days in LA, 2 friends moving, 3 friends visiting from other countries… and I’ve lot track of the amount of friends visiting simply from out of town. All within 31 days. Like I said, crazy.
And, by no surprise, I’m going crazy. I’m sending text messages and emails that are missing words (Not silly typos, but actually missing important, hey-this-is-needed-to-make-sense, chunks of text). I got gas the other day and legitimately forgot what side of the car the gas tank was on (of MY car. The same one I’ve had for 7 years….). I forgot the last time I made a meal that wasn’t three random items in my fridge thrown together to be somewhat edible. Shout out to Costo for frozen fruit that has provided me many smoothies (that’s a meal, right?), and never ending bags of corn chips (that have made up more dinners of mine than I care to admit…) Let’s not even talk about the last time I got a decent night of sleep or washed my hair. Sigh.
It was Monday morning (those are already rough enough) after a marathon weekend. I was severely sunburned from helping set up for a friends’ wedding, extremely sleep deprived from having two separate friends stay with me throughout the weekend, and desperately extroverted-out as I hadn’t had a second to myself in over 48 hours (Yes, all you introverts out there, I saw that shudder). I was pouring coffee in me like there was no tomorrow, trying to squeeze in a few more meet ups this week with out of town friends, while answering emails and making a game plan of work for the week. I was wonder woman! Texting friends, scheduling plans, emailing donors, researching grants – watch out world, Krysti Wilkinson can do it all.
Except, I can’t. Which was made painfully obvious when a friend pointed out that the day I had planned on taking some friends from Malawi to a watch America’s favorite pastime – which had involved so much planning, emailing, texting – I had overlooked one small detail: the Padres were actually out of town. Ohhhh. Is Florida too far of a drive for a baseball game?? Mmm. My bad…
And, then, it was Monday morning and I was laughing at myself. I was looking at my calendar bursting full of scribbles and plans and penciled in question marks. I was looking at my iMessage that was full of unanswered texts. And I was looking at my exhausted self, reflected in my computer screen. And laughing. Because I can’t do it all.
If you know me, you know how hard that is for me to accept. I try pretty dang hard. I try to do everything, to be everything. I’m the first person to volunteer; I’m the last to admit that I can’t help. I’ve found I use my faith as a crutch in this area, an excuse. Clearly, God wants me to serve others. Clearly, God created us for relationships. Clearly, God wants me in community. I often think of that verse in Esther*… what if God has me right here, right now for such a time as this?? I can’t waste any opportunity, I should make the most of every. single. day.
Except that, more than anything, God wants me to love Him. He wants me to know Him. He wants me focussed on bringing glory to Him. He wants me focussed on how I can be furthering His kingdom. Sometimes, yes, that is serving others. More often than not (at least for me), it’s spending time with Him. Time that I don’t have when I’m running around from one meeting to another to dinner to a game night. It’s focussing on how to be a healthy Krysti, so that I can actually maintain relationships. Not meeting up with friends only to not be present in the conversation because I’m mentally running through my check list for tomorrow. It’s saying no to the things that I want to add to my to-do list, so there is room for His to-do list.
I can’t save the world. I can’t meet every need. I can’t host every friend who’s in town, I can’t mentor every high school girl who’s in need of a big sister, I can’t get coffee with every person that I want to. That’s the key word here: I want to do so much. I want to be a super human. I want to be the best friend possible to every single person I meet, I want to serve in every ministry at church, I want to be able to say yes to every little thing. Wants are different than needs. Wants are different than reality.
I can’t save the world. And I was never asked to. I go back to that verse in Esther, which has been my excuse to overload my schedule, and I hear something new this time. Mordecai is telling Esther, “If you remain silent, relief and deliverance will come from another place”. Although he’s encouraging Esther to act, I hear my Father encouraging me to rest. Relief will come from another place. Other people will fill those holes. Someone else will step up. If I were to die tomorrow (knock on wood), God’s work will still be going on in the world. I’m not as important as I tend to think. How often I forget that God doesn’t need me – I need Him. I’m learning when I feel like I need to save the world, I’m typically spending too little time with my Savior.
So, I’m taking off my super hero cape. I’m fully acknowledging my limits – and even further than acknowledging them, I’m actually going to honor them. I’m learning how to say no (oh, what a looong process this has been). I’m leaving the saving of the world to the One who already has. I’m laying my cape at His feet and letting Him run the show from here on out. And I’m going to take a nap. Literally. Figuratively. So many naps, in so many ways.
I’m not super man. I’m not wonder woman (Although, cool outfit. You go, girl!). And I don’t need to be. You don’t, either. Anyone else have a cape to hang up?? We can do it together.
*I’m not the biggest fan of quoting random verses without providing the context (although sometimes it’s unavoidable). Go read Esther 4 on your own, and you’ll find which verse I’m talking about. You’ll also find a really, really great story.