Things No One Tells You About Being Single

In case we haven’t met yet: Welcome to my blog. My name is Krysti. I write all about being single on the public internet. Who knew this would be my life, but here we are.

It’s pretty weird being “that girl who writes about singleness” – but here I go again reinforcing that title, right? The strangest thing to me about being single is how little we talk about being single. Besides, of course, how much we talk about singleness being so hard and singleness being so lonely and singleness being the worst. And then of course we (and by ‘we’ I mean ‘married people’) talk about season of singleness and how to pray your way through and how to persevere and oh, wait, we’re back to talking about how singleness is the worst again.

I think we need to start talking about it more. At the very least, so I’m done being typecasted as the one weirdo who keeps doing so. If we talked about singleness more, if we all shared our experiences, maybe I would have known these things ahead of time. Instead they caught me completely off guard…. Read More

Surviving Post Wedding Season

As weddings have taken up so much of my life lately, I figured maybe they should take up a lot of my blog as well. Here’s a special wedding season series – some questions I get asked (or ones I don’t), some things I survived, some truths I’ve been learning. And, an extra bonus: one very special wedding!

I get asked all. the. things. during wedding season. But I think there’s something that we fail to talk about as all your friends get married: the transition your relationships go through.

My friends, once committed girlfriends, are now wives. They have husbands. Some things stay very much the same, yet other parts are forever different. As someone who has never gone through that specific transition, sometimes it’s a little strange to walk through it with them. How do you travel alongside a path you aren’t on? Other times it’s frustrating to walk together – as we seem to be heading two different directions.
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How to Be Single

via IMDB

“One for How to Be Single, please.” Oh, how fitting – I thought to myself, as I passed my credit card through the window. I don’t mind being single, 98% of the time. I actually enjoy it, most days. But there are some moments in your life where you have stop – and laugh – because you are oh-so-very single.  

I went to this movie not for life advice – I actually know very well how to be single, thanks – but more because it was a $6 showing, it was an excuse to hang with some friends, and Rebel Wilson is hilarious. And yet I was pleasantly surprised. When I was expecting a get-drunk-as-possible, sleep-with-everyone-in-sight, party-it-UP single mantra, the movie offered so much more. Sure, there’s the casual hookups and the glorified hangovers, the drunken make outs with strangers and other life style choices I’m not really into. But there was also, surprisingly, a lot of inner reflection encouraged. Do you know how to be alone? Do you even know yourself? Is the fear of losing control keeping you from a relationship? Is the fear of a different way of life keeping you from moving forward? Are you too hung up on relationships? Are you too hung up on singleness? Seriously, this movie gets pretty deep for a comedy.

I also went into this movie thinking I would come out with my counter claims of “how to be single” – I foresaw Hollywood giving a step-by-step guide throughout the movie, one that I would clearly disagree with and need to correct. I don’t know why I was expecting a two hour Buzzfeed list, but what I got was a compelling story. Instead of telling me how to be single, the movie simply portrays different variations of singlehood for someone in my generation. Sure, with a Hollywood spin and all, but still. And I appreciated it. Some people hate it – and find themselves desperately seeking a relationship. Some people are in denial over it – convincing themselves they’re fine with a life they never expected. Some people run from it – constantly turning to a warm body (anyone’s warm body) to get through the night. Some people thrive in it. Read More

Dressember 22: Things We Can Start Saying to Singles

For the month of December – in honor of Dressember – I’ll be blogging everyday! Thoughts on anything from fighting for justice to feminism, from dresses I’m wearing to books I’m reading, and everything in between. 

My “Things We Need to Stop Saying to Singles” was a hit with some folks, but I hate to be one to complain about problems without offering a solution. I get that at some points, as a married / engaged / off the market person, it can be hard to interact with someone who is single because it can be a very touchy subject for some. You don’t know how to address it… you don’t want to avoid it… it’s difficult! If you’re going to read anything, please read this: People who happen to be single are people – they have thoughts and opinions and dreams. You can’t imagine how many fail to remember that, and only see us for our relationship status. So for all those well intentioned people out there who really, truly don’t know what to say to singles this holiday season (or in general), here are some ideas:

After you’ve gone around the circle and heard all about marriages, engagements, ect and land on the token single friend in the group, who responds that she’s “still single”. Awkward silence.
If you’re relatively close friends, you can kindly ask “And how do you feel about that?” Give them freedom to love it, hate it, cry about it, or brush it off as unimportant. Deciding for them that “Ohhh, that sucks! So sorry to hear”, doesn’t allow them to celebrate singleness if they choose to do so. Alternatively, deciding for them that, “Oh, the days of freedom! You must have so much fun!!” doesn’t allow them to grieve singleness if they choose to do so. Trust me, they’ve had their feelings about singleness pre-decided for them a lot, so offering them a safe place to explain how they feel goes a long way.
If you aren’t super close with them (and don’t feel like they would open up about their true feelings), you can simply say, “Oh, okay. Any other life updates?” / “Any exciting plans for 2016?” / “What was your highlight of 2015?” This not only changes the subject away from relationships casually, but also doesn’t make a big deal out of their singleness. You really don’t need to comment on the fact that they aren’t seeing someone – acknowledging that they answered your question and moving on in the conversation is great. It’s how conversations typically work, actually. Bonus points: this tactic also suggests that you can have an exciting life and/or happy existence without a spouse. MIND BLOWING.

When you’re catching up with your old group from high school, and everyone has given long, extensive updates on their partners (they’re now working here, we’re now at this stage in our relationship, this bothers me about them but I love this, our future looks like _____) and your single friend has… no partner to discuss at length. Ahhhhhh.
“Have you picked up any new hobbies?” / “How do you spend your free time these days?”
“Whatever happened to [insert long ago dream]? Are you still thinking about pursuing that?”
“Any exciting plans for the new year??” (this is a reoccurring theme for a reason, friends. Great transition tool for this time of year!)
Sidenote: Unless you’re really close with them, and really, truly need an update on their ex, stay away from “Whatever happened to that one person…?” or “I had no idea you two split! When did that happen?!” Don’t be silly. Don’t go there.

When your single friend complains about going to some kind of holiday event that is basically couples only.
“Huh, that does sound hard. How can I help you with that?” Sometimes, people just want to vent. They want to be heard, they want their uncomfortableness to be acknowledged. Other times, they actually need someone to agree to hang with them for the night, to keep an eye on them throughout the evening, to speak up on their behalf. Don’t assume you know what they need, ask.
“Well, you can drive with us! We’re planning on leaving around ____” Half of the awkwardness of being single with so many events to attend this time of year is arriving alone. Seriously. Then there’s the awkwardness of carpooling with couple friends who either leave way too early or stay wayyyyy too long. Couples: offer the gift of carpooling. It’s wonderful – even for the environment. Also offer the gift of clear expectations of said carpool.
“It will be fun to catch up with so-and-so, we haven’t see them in forever!” Remind them that it isn’t just a party of couples being couples, but there are actually people there that you want to see. Sometimes it feels like it’s a never ending night of third wheeling – talking to couple after couple after couple. But couples are made of 2 people, and sometimes they actually break apart and talk to people one on one.
Sidenote: DO NOT go with the ever comforting (not) “Well maybe they’ll be some cute singles there” / “I heard so-and-so is back on the market” / “You can meet someone new!” Just don’t. Not helpful.


Miscellaneous, great things you can say to singles at anytime this season:
“So, tell me about the best part of your day / week / year!” Singles are real people and have real things going on in our lives besides our relationship status. We even like to talk about them. Really.
“Any exciting plans for 2016??” Seriously, guys. This is CONVERSATION GOLD. You’re welcome.
Normal conversation topics. I’m serious. Even though we aren’t married, we have opinions on politics, movies that just came out, and – if you’re really desperate – the weather.
“Here, have some more wine.” Am I saying this because singles are lonely, poor, miserable souls who have to turn to alcohol for their needs?? No. I just think most people in life could use more wine.

Dressember 21: Things We Need to Stop Saying to Singles

For the month of December – in honor of Dressember – I’ll be blogging everyday! Thoughts on anything from fighting for justice to feminism, from dresses I’m wearing to books I’m reading, and everything in between. 

It’s officially that time of year again. Nights are spent cuddled up together on the couch. Weekends involve dates to the ice skating rink. Stressing about what you’re going to get each other for Christmas / how to hide it from each other / when to even buy it because you do all your Christmas shopping together, obviously. Except, of course, if you’re single.

If you’re single, it’s officially that time of year again. The Instagrams of cute couples increase tenfold (yes, we see you in front of that Christmas tree, GET A NEW POSE). The Christmas cards start rolling in – showing off families on vacation or newlyweds at the alter. And you are forced to attend oh-so-many holiday gatherings filed with oh-so-many couples.

Okay, sarcasm aside, being single during the holidays isn’t the worst thing in the world. I really hate how we keep believing these lies about how we have to hate singleness during certain times of the year. Valentines Day? Oh, you poor thing. Wedding season?! God help you. THE HOLIDAYS?!?? Your life is over. I have lost track of the cheesy Christmas movies (which I love, no shame) that involve a plot line of the desperate single at Christmas, the lonely, unfulfilled person flying solo at New Years, the depressing, never ending walk in the snow some people have to make alone. Please, continue to tell me how a relationship will solve all my problems, Hallmark channel. Read More

SINGLE-handedly Surviving Wedding Season

In high school, summer meant beach days, beach days, sleeping till noon, and more beach days. In college it was 3 glorious months of no classes, re-connecting with high school friends, and getting to read books that weren’t assigned to me. In this new post-college life I’m learning to navigate, summer seems to mean one thing: weddings.

And that’s a plural weddingS – with a capital ‘S’. I was invited to 7 this summer. Seven. Sadly, I could only make it to 5 of them (flights are expensive, Nor Cal is far!). But 5 weddings in 3 short months is enough, let me assure you. Read More

How Do You Spell ‘Lonely’? S-I-N-G-L-E

After my I’m-not-an-authority-on-dating dating blog, I figured it was time to write on something I do happen to be a self-proclaimed authority on: singleness

I was sitting on a panel on dating, four Christian singles lined up in chairs, when the classic question got asked. “What’s the hardest thing about being single?”

Two guys gave their respective responses, something along the lines of loneliness, self-confidence, watching your friends get married – the usual. Tentatively, I started, “I don’t want to belittle what they said. But I don’t think it’s hard.

“I mean, being single is hard… being in a relationship is hard… life is hard. I don’t think life is any easier when you have a cute boy to hold your hand; I don’t think life is any harder when you don’t have someone to text goodnight.” Even though I believed this with the core of my being – and I desperately wanted my high school students to hear this truth – I said most of this to my shoes. Because I knew this wasn’t a point of view I’m allowed to have, especially in the church. Read More