2019 is, like, actually here! Some days I really didn’t think we were going to survive 2018, and then all of a sudden we’re a week in to this new year and I’m still working on my December to-do list. Oops.
I always try to post my yearly book lists in December because, Christmas gifts. There is nothing I love more than giving (or getting!) for Christmas than books. So ignore the fact that it is currently January (double oops), and think of all the books you can *exchange your other gifts for*. You’re welcome!
In 2017, I tried to read 30 books in a year – and I accidentally read 51 (I blame both insomnia and the Harry Potter series). This year I, once again, tried to read 30 – and I read TWENTY NINE AND A HALF. Triple oops. Read More
It’s finals week and I can barely remember what day it is. What time it is. I have 0 groceries and pretty sure I’ve spent more time at the library than I have at home. It’s been a blur of carrying my backpack to one library to another to a coffee shop, just to dump it on the floor and sleep for a bit before the next round. People ask me what I did last Friday and I stare at them blankly because, what is Friday? When was that? Who is that? Huh?
I had to say no to 5 Christmas parties this past weekend. I’ve had to say no to SO many things, so many people. I’m so ready to not have to respond with, “Can’t, I have to study” and “Ah, I’ll be at the library” or “Wish I could, but I have school!”. I’m so ready to sit with people and not be thinking about all the precious minutes of studying I’m missing out on. So ready to not pack up 4 different bags in the morning, with 3 different meals, and 2 additional layers. I’m ready for this semester to be done. Read More
This week I’m saying goodbye to 26. Birthdays always make me nostalgic, always make me think back on what the past year of life held. This year, I’m realizing I’m not too sad to see 26 go. I’m realizing I wasn’t the biggest fan.
26 was when life got overwhelming. Life felt like it was heading one way and it suddenly, jarringly, changed directions. It felt like in so many areas of life I kept hitting this impenetrable wall. In so many areas I was spinning plates while treading water while trying to put out various fires.
26 was when I started to question a lot. My current life, my potential future. What I wanted, what I needed. If I should come up with a new life plan. If I even needed to have a life plan.
26 was when friendships got rough. Easy, life-giving relationships all of a sudden started taking lot of effort. They started taking work. They started taking energy, in a season where I seemed to have so little of it. Read More
Life has been a bit of a whirlwind, lately. It’s been a no-sleep, going-going-going, wait-what-day-is-it?! constant. And in the midst of the crazy, a friend said the sweetest words to me the other day – the kind of “I didn’t know I needed that, but wow I needed that” unexpected goodness that soothes your soul a bit. We were catching up and she said, “Hey, I know you – and you’re doing the best you can.”
One of the most beautiful things to me is being known by my People. I spent a whole lot of my life guarded – even to those closest to me – and the past few years have been a lot of un-doing, a lot of breaking down walls brick by brick. When people know me, it still catches me off guard. It still stops me in my tracks a bit. It still overwhelms me, in the best way.
Everyone tells you life after college is hard, and mostly it’s because friendships after college are hard. When I first heard about this, I laughed at the post college blues. Ha. Whatever. Not gonna happen to me.
But last year two of my favorite people moved up north. That sucked.
This summer, my best friend moved across the country. That really sucked.
Then a few weeks ago, I hugged another friend goodbye. And I’m realizing this is an unfortunate trend. One I don’t like – but one I can’t stop. Read More
Midterms wrecked me this week
I mean really, really wrecked me. I could go into the laundry list of to-do items I had (laundry being high on the list), I could explain what a killer this semester has been, I could go into how life has just been being life – but it’s not necessary. I had two midterms on the same night and one weekend to prepare for them, and it just felt impossible.
And impossible, if I’m being honest, felt incredibly frustrating. Read More
Every two months, they put me on a new medicine. Every two months, my body freaks out, adjusts, attempts to align. Every two months, for the past year and a half, I get a blood test that tells me the same news: Nope, not healthy yet. Not normal yet. This is not over yet. Try again. And again. And again.
Every few months, there’s a new name in the news. Every few months, we go through this process: shock, outrage, he-said-she-said, a call for justice, an attempt at justice. Every few months, we see another man “fall” (is that what happens, when they get multi-million dollar early retirement plans?). Every few months, we have to live through shocking headlines, heartbreaking stories. Every few months, women across the country are re-traumatized for the hope of half a step of progress forward. And again. And again. And again.
I’m tired and once again not sleeping and it’s been so dang long of on-and-off insomnia. I’m tired and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to make it stop. Just hoping the next cycle brings healing. Just hoping the next cycle brings change.
We’re tired and we’re exhausted and we don’t know what else to do. We’ve voted and we marched and yet still this? Still no change? We’ve done all we can do – and it makes you wonder if we can do anything at all. Can we ever stop this? Can we change anything? Read More
Every year, I wait until the very end of wedding season to take down alllllllll the invitations from my fridge. My once cluttered fridge has some breathing room, my once over-used magnets are now free (every year I think I need to buy more magnets, every year I somehow make it work).
Every year I take my carry-on – which has permanently lived in the corner of my room for the summer, always in a state of unpacking or repacking – and gleefully stick it in the garage. It’s time for it to gather some dust; it’s time for me to get some rest.
And, every year, I write a blog post. It started the first summer I went to 5 weddings – which felt laughably ridiculous – and I was in this new, weird grove of writing about singleness on the internet. The next summer I found myself in the in the same exact place: 5 weddings, 0 dates. So I wrote one again. And again.
And forever? We’ll see…
Every year, I write about the cringe-worthy moments (getting seated with your ex, YIKES) and I write about the funny things that always seem to happen to me and I write about how tra la laa weddings alone aren’t so bad, tra la laa weddings while single can be fun, tra la laaaaaaaaa it’s fine, people. We’re fine.
Except that, this year was different.
This year, wedding season was hard. Read More
Labor Day has come and gone, which means it’s time for my round-up of what I read this summer. This year, in my life, it also means grad school is back in session (insert me crying). Instead of focussing on my insane to-do list or all the homework I’m currently avoiding – LET’S TALK BOOKS.
Any good ones you read this summer? Anything you’re currently eyeing? I’m always, always, always down for some good recommendations! Read More
Do you ever wish doing one small thing to make life manageable would make your whole life manageable?
I was changing my sheets today – nothing makes me feel more like I have my life together like changing my sheets. Ridiculous, I know. Anyway, I was changing my sheets, wishing this one small act of responsible adulting would magically make my life feel more manageable. Like, hey, I changed my sheets. Shouldn’t everything else take care of itself? What more do you want from me? How much can you really expect out of someone?? Read More
Somehow we were all free this weekend. Somehow, someway, we found two days in the middle of busy seasons of busy lives to all be in the same place. Somehow, it was like no time had passed.
lil baby freshmen
We’ve officially been out of college for the same amount of time we were in college. That’s so crazy to me. College was so much – so much life, so much growth, so many things, all wrapped up in four years. These past four years of life have seemed like a lot, too, but also, somehow, not as much. They don’t feel equal, they don’t feel quite the same.
This weekend was a mix of catching each other up on everything we’ve missed and also reliving everything we were a part of. I forget how much these girls saw me through, how much we walked alongside each other, how much life happened. When I think of college it’s easy to remember the big moments – it’s somehow easy to overlook the 4 ladies who I saw every Tuesday, who made a community out of nothing, who chose to show up week after week and simply just be there. Read More