We were sitting on the couch, three in a row; two of us looking over her shoulder as she browsed her laptop. She was looking for post maternity clothes, and I couldn’t help but think back to three years ago when we were sitting in the same formation on a different couch, looking over her shoulder as she searched for the color of bridesmaid dresses she wanted us to wear.
These friends have gone through so much with me, and I have gone through so much with them. I’ve walked through engagement and wedding planning with them both. Trying to offer advice and insight but also keeping my mouth shut a bit – what did I know about engagement rings? Fast forward to now and I was holding her newborn, giving mama’s arms a much deserved break and offering color choices – you wear a lot of gray, how about that that stripped one?? – but also trying to keep my mouth shut a bit. What do I know about nursing tanks?
Life gets funny, when your friends start to enter very different life stages at very different times. When we met, it was all so easy. We were all in college. We were all at the same college. We met up on Monday nights because none of us has class, we lived within a 2 mile radius of each other (and that felt far!), we texted the afternoon of to see what groceries we all had to contribute to our hodgepodge meal that evening. We turned 21, all in a row. We graduated college, all in a row. But suddenly one of us was engaged, which was exciting and new. And then two of us were in relationships and, before you knew it, it was me plus two married couples.
(Now it’s 6 adults and a baby. Our little group grew, as families tend to do.) Read More
It’s weird to mourn the death of someone you’ve never met.
It’s weird to be so sad over the loss of someone who you’ve never shared words with… but whose words you hold so dear. A friend put it best, after the tragic passing of Rachel Held Evans this weekend – writers feel like mentors. Their words matter to us, their lives feel intertwined with ours. Their joy, our joy. Their pain, our pain. Their death… it’s unimaginable.
It feels unfair. It feels unjust. A women so godly – surely, God would heal? A woman so prayed for, surely God would answer the prayers of thousands across the world? She had so much more work to do. She had babies to raise. She had a marriage to see age. She had conferences to plan and people to mentor and – selfishly – she had more books to write for people like me to read. She had thoughts that still needed sharing, words still in her our world needed to hear. Read More
It’s Holy Week and, like years past, I’m stuck on resurrection. I’m dwelling on the areas of my life that feel so dead, so very much over, so that door has been slammed shut. And the resurrection they preach of on Sunday mornings means new life and second chances and healing and restoration in those areas of life, right? Resurrection means life conquers death and God reigns, hallelujah, amen. Resurrection means it’s all going to be okay. Right? Right??
I always feel a little guilty, come Easter. I’m always reminded that God brings LIFE and He LIVES and we should never forget He can BRING LIFE TO THE DEAD. Every year I feel bad about the areas in my life where I, resignedly, claimed death. Endings. Donezo. El fin. Areas of life I had given up on, places I knew would never be fixed, relationships and people that would never be part of my future. And Easter Sunday would come and I’d think, okay, okay – maybe there’s life still to be had here. Maybe these bones will come to life. Maybe God will breath new life into these ashes.
But what if resurrection is something else? What if some of those doors that slammed shut stay shut? What if some of those broken relationships remain broken? What if God meets us in the death and destruction, sits down with us in the ashes – and instead of breathing new life, He simply points the way out. Read More
Life has been a bit rough lately. We don’t need to go into specifics. We don’t need to talk about what time I left work last night. We don’t need to discuss how many times I’ve cried in the past week. Let’s just leave it at “wow, what a year” (it’s March).
As unexpected as life has been in lots of areas, I’ve found myself doing something I’ve never chosen to use my free time for before: watching comedy specials on Netflix. Did Netflix add a million or does the suggested browsing read my mind? Because suddenly there are hundreds to choose from. And among the many things I’ve thought lately – could I go into stand up? A set feels like a bunch of blogs squished together, but said out loud… Hmmmmmm. I dunno, I think I’m pretty funny when I’ve had time to rehearse all my jokes and no one can interrupt me… I’m not too good with weird voices, though… That lady jumping, on stage, in heels, is pretty damn impressive. How can someone be this funny for this long?? – I’m realizing what a joy it is to laugh. Read More
2019 is, like, actually here! Some days I really didn’t think we were going to survive 2018, and then all of a sudden we’re a week in to this new year and I’m still working on my December to-do list. Oops.
I always try to post my yearly book lists in December because, Christmas gifts. There is nothing I love more than giving (or getting!) for Christmas than books. So ignore the fact that it is currently January (double oops), and think of all the books you can *exchange your other gifts for*. You’re welcome!
In 2017, I tried to read 30 books in a year – and I accidentally read 51 (I blame both insomnia and the Harry Potter series). This year I, once again, tried to read 30 – and I read TWENTY NINE AND A HALF. Triple oops. Read More
It’s finals week and I can barely remember what day it is. What time it is. I have 0 groceries and pretty sure I’ve spent more time at the library than I have at home. It’s been a blur of carrying my backpack to one library to another to a coffee shop, just to dump it on the floor and sleep for a bit before the next round. People ask me what I did last Friday and I stare at them blankly because, what is Friday? When was that? Who is that? Huh?
I had to say no to 5 Christmas parties this past weekend. I’ve had to say no to SO many things, so many people. I’m so ready to not have to respond with, “Can’t, I have to study” and “Ah, I’ll be at the library” or “Wish I could, but I have school!”. I’m so ready to sit with people and not be thinking about all the precious minutes of studying I’m missing out on. So ready to not pack up 4 different bags in the morning, with 3 different meals, and 2 additional layers. I’m ready for this semester to be done. Read More
This week I’m saying goodbye to 26. Birthdays always make me nostalgic, always make me think back on what the past year of life held. This year, I’m realizing I’m not too sad to see 26 go. I’m realizing I wasn’t the biggest fan.
26 was when life got overwhelming. Life felt like it was heading one way and it suddenly, jarringly, changed directions. It felt like in so many areas of life I kept hitting this impenetrable wall. In so many areas I was spinning plates while treading water while trying to put out various fires.
26 was when I started to question a lot. My current life, my potential future. What I wanted, what I needed. If I should come up with a new life plan. If I even needed to have a life plan.
26 was when friendships got rough. Easy, life-giving relationships all of a sudden started taking lot of effort. They started taking work. They started taking energy, in a season where I seemed to have so little of it. Read More
Life has been a bit of a whirlwind, lately. It’s been a no-sleep, going-going-going, wait-what-day-is-it?! constant. And in the midst of the crazy, a friend said the sweetest words to me the other day – the kind of “I didn’t know I needed that, but wow I needed that” unexpected goodness that soothes your soul a bit. We were catching up and she said, “Hey, I know you – and you’re doing the best you can.”
One of the most beautiful things to me is being known by my People. I spent a whole lot of my life guarded – even to those closest to me – and the past few years have been a lot of un-doing, a lot of breaking down walls brick by brick. When people know me, it still catches me off guard. It still stops me in my tracks a bit. It still overwhelms me, in the best way.
Everyone tells you life after college is hard, and mostly it’s because friendships after college are hard. When I first heard about this, I laughed at the post college blues. Ha. Whatever. Not gonna happen to me.
But last year two of my favorite people moved up north. That sucked.
This summer, my best friend moved across the country. That really sucked.
Then a few weeks ago, I hugged another friend goodbye. And I’m realizing this is an unfortunate trend. One I don’t like – but one I can’t stop. Read More
Midterms wrecked me this week
I mean really, really wrecked me. I could go into the laundry list of to-do items I had (laundry being high on the list), I could explain what a killer this semester has been, I could go into how life has just been being life – but it’s not necessary. I had two midterms on the same night and one weekend to prepare for them, and it just felt impossible.
And impossible, if I’m being honest, felt incredibly frustrating. Read More
Every two months, they put me on a new medicine. Every two months, my body freaks out, adjusts, attempts to align. Every two months, for the past year and a half, I get a blood test that tells me the same news: Nope, not healthy yet. Not normal yet. This is not over yet. Try again. And again. And again.
Every few months, there’s a new name in the news. Every few months, we go through this process: shock, outrage, he-said-she-said, a call for justice, an attempt at justice. Every few months, we see another man “fall” (is that what happens, when they get multi-million dollar early retirement plans?). Every few months, we have to live through shocking headlines, heartbreaking stories. Every few months, women across the country are re-traumatized for the hope of half a step of progress forward. And again. And again. And again.
I’m tired and once again not sleeping and it’s been so dang long of on-and-off insomnia. I’m tired and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I can do to make it stop. Just hoping the next cycle brings healing. Just hoping the next cycle brings change.
We’re tired and we’re exhausted and we don’t know what else to do. We’ve voted and we marched and yet still this? Still no change? We’ve done all we can do – and it makes you wonder if we can do anything at all. Can we ever stop this? Can we change anything? Read More