I’m mad because last month we were so worried about bathrooms. Bathrooms.

I’m mad because NOW people care about rape culture – when a very white, very privileged, very athletically gifted person made headlines for something that goes on everyday in this country. Only after a very educated, very well-articulated victim was given a platform, do we stop and listen.

I’m mad because NOW people care about the LGBT community – only after a massacre. Only after a senseless act of violence so horrible that we can’t even fathom it; we can only grieve it.

I’m mad because NOW people care – while it’s in the spotlight, while there’s a hashtag, while it’s still news. But we won’t care next week or next month. We won’t care enough to actually change anything; we won’t care when there’s hard work involved. We won’t really care until its our brother or our sister or our child or our neighbor – we won’t really care until its too late.

I’m mad because hate is so much easier than love in our world today. Anger is so much easier than joy. Bitterness is so much easier than hope.

I’m mad because I’m part of the problem. And you’re part of the problem. And we don’t want to see that, we refuse to see that, so instead of looking inward to change we continue pointing fingers at them, them, them. We continue putting people in boxes. We continue to make sure those boxes are far from us.

I’m mad because there’s so much hurt to heal and so many questions to answer and so many people to hold, but we choose to debate instead. We choose to use every news story as mere evidence for our political rant, we choose to take people’s pain and use it to further prove our point, we choose to overlook their names and simply view them as statistics. It’s easier this way. There’s less pain to feel.

I’m mad because this cycle will continue. This circle will never end, until we see the evil inside of ourselves and choose to work on that first. Until we decide the best way to change the world is to change ourselves. Until we commit to making a better us, so that tomorrow can be a better tomorrow.

I’m mad because anger is my go-to emotion here, and I wish it was love. We’re called to love, we’re called to be known by our love. And I know there’s a time and place for righteous anger – and I think of any time, this is one – but nothing feels righteous about my anger. It feels all-consuming and scary and a lot more like the ugly hate of this world than I care to admit.

I’m mad because people are getting raped while they are unconscious behind a dumpster and people are getting shot while they are dancing in a nightclub and I am sitting here typing words onto a screen. Thinking I can change something. Hoping I can change something. Praying I can change something.

I’m mad because I don’t know if I can.