Pinky out, because I’m a classy donut eater.

Donuts

#2 out of 4: Mary’s Donuts 

If you’ve ever been to Santee you know that, basically, there’s no reason to really ever go to Santee. Until you stumble across this gem, and then OHMYGOSH you want to go to Santee all the time. Whenever I’m in the city limit I basically make it a necessity. If I’m ever close to the city limit, I cross over the city limit, and, thus, have to go to Mary’s. Obviously.

Classic donuts, fun inventive donuts, award winning donuts annnnnd donuts as big as your face. Plus fun pictures of customers from over the past 40ish (I think?) years plastered evvvverywhere. And really good chocolate milk. This place has it all.

Dating

“How do I make myself attractive to a guy/girl? (In a good way)”

I honestly loved one of our panelists suggestions to guys: learn the value of personal hygiene. Preferably, wash your towels. There’s so many tips these days on how to make yourself more attractive – either off the cover of a magazine at the grocery store or in Christianese 101. Lose 10 pounds. Memorize Proverbs. Try this new eyeliner. Volunteer on Sundays. I’d say drop the act, and follow two generic rules:

1. Be yourself – unapologetically. The older I get (I know, I know, I’m mid-twenties, I can’t throw around ‘old’ just quite yet… buuut I just did) the more people who know who they are stick out from the masses. Not only does this show an incredible amount of self awareness – always, always, always a plus in dating – but it shows a comfortableness in one’s skin that is equally admirable and envious. You don’t want to date someone who’s constantly measuring themselves to people around them – because chances are they are measuring you to people around them. You don’t want to date someone who’s constantly apologizing to the world for who they are, as they might feel the need to apologize for who you are. And you don’t want someone who’s constantly worried about what others think of them – because they’ll be constantly worried about what others think of your relationship. You want someone who knows, with certainty, who they are and who doesn’t feel the need to pretend to be someone else. This is the whole-est, healthiest person – seek to be one. Seek to date one.
2. Become the kind of person you’d like to meet (…and date). Seek to be more like people you actually like meeting and spending time with. Be kind to people, no matter what. Be generous with your time, your words, your resources. Be someone who is always looking for how they can serve others, instead of trying to serve themselves. Check the language you are constantly using – is it a lot of “I” and “me” or “you” and “them”? By becoming a better person, you’re going to attract better people.

I understand this is a good question, and I understand a lot of people constantly ask it, but I HAVE to say: Work on being a better person, for the sake of yourself, than being a better person, for the sake of a date. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a relationship, with working on yourself to be a better mate, with choosing to pursue health in hopes of it making you more date-able – but there is a big problem when you’re basing all your life decisions around a future relationship. You are, right now, more than your relationship status. And if you get married one day? You’ll still be more than your relationship status. Don’t revolve your whole life – and your being – around one facet of you.

I also have to point out that no matter how much you work on this, no matter how ‘attractive’ you might become in this situation, it doesn’t automatically mean that one special someone is going to be attracted to you. I’ve seen this happen far too often – someone changes for the sake of winning over someone, and they either change their whole person and end up winning them over with a lie, or they do all these ridiculous things and the person still isn’t interested.

That’s hard, I know. But rest assured healthy steps will attract healthy people. I know that sucks to hear in the moment, I know that doesn’t make you feel any better, and I know it can feel like an empty promise. But know that healthy people are attracted to health – and won’t settle for less – and unhealthy people are attracted to unhealth. Sometimes, the best thing for you is that person isn’t attracted to you – it says a lot more about them than it does about you.

“When you meet a girl and you are interested in her, how soon would you ask her out? Is there such a thing as too soon?”

I’m ALL for asking people on real dates – at any time. I’d say that it’s never too soon to simply ask someone to coffee. We need to stop be so afraid of the word date, and stop running from situations where you actually get to know a person.

In the sense that a date is where you get to know someone better, I don’t think there can be a “too soon”. I’ve been asked out by complete strangers as well as close guy friends, and pretty much everything in-between. At any point you think, “Hey, I think I’d like to get to know them a little better, preferably in a one-on-one setting” is the point you should be asking them on a date. Maybe that’s when you first meet them, maybe it’s after you’ve been friends for three years.

I WILL say that in any small Christian community, we make dating far more complicated than it is, and so asking a girl out right away might result in some weirdness. Actually, simply asking a girl out typically results in some weirdness. That’s more on the community, than on you, but you’re the one who has to deal with it, sooooooo.

But guess what? YOU can help fight this by 1. Asking people on actual dates and 2. Not being weird when other people ask people on actual dates. Be the change you wish to see in your dating culture, friends. Allow two people to go to coffee without treating them like they are now engaged, let a girl go out with one guy one week and then maybe a different guy three weeks from now without assuming things about her, stop judging the guy who has asked multiple girls to dinner in the last month. Dating is a confusing process – let’s all be generous with the grace and dial it down with the judgement.

Also, asking a girl to a simple coffee or a casual dinner early one isn’t an issue. Pursuing a girl with grand romantic gestures and/ or too much commitment early on is an issue. Get to know people before you pledge your love for them, allow yourself to spend a lot of one on one time way before you even mention marriage. If you’re interested in a girl, there’s no shame in making that known. But take one step forward and see how she responds – not ten.

After speaking on my church’s college group’s Donuts & Dating panel, I’m blogging all week about those two very things!

My Donuts & Dating mini series is questions we didn’t get to answer, extra thoughts of mine on the subject, and – of course – my favorite donut spots in San Diego.

Be sure to read my initial thoughts on dating, staying friends with your exes & emotional boundaries, dating with intention & when to break up with someone, how to make yourself attractive & when to ask someone out, annnnnnnnd everyone’s number one question for me: online dating.