Do you ever wish doing one small thing to make life manageable would make your whole life manageable?
I was changing my sheets today – nothing makes me feel more like I have my life together like changing my sheets. Ridiculous, I know. Anyway, I was changing my sheets, wishing this one small act of responsible adulting would magically make my life feel more manageable. Like, hey, I changed my sheets. Shouldn’t everything else take care of itself? What more do you want from me? How much can you really expect out of someone??
It’s my last day of summer break. School starts back up again tomorrow, and it’s already looking like a brutal semester. Which wouldn’t be so bad, if work wasn’t already a tad bit crazy (why go to grad school while working full time? WHY?) and this summer wasn’t utterly exhausting. It’s my last day of summer and I spent it in bed with a fever. The only reason I was changing my sheets today is because I spent 24+ hours sweating in them. It wasn’t really a responsible-adult-move as much as a desperate-this-needs-to-happen move. I still felt like I deserved a medal. I still felt like one small fix should magically fix everything.
I’m sitting on the floor of my room, partly because my bed looks so nice right now and partly because this is where I sit when I feel utterly defeated. You can sit depressed in your favorite reading chair – but there’s something so satisfying about giving up and collapsing in your despair on the floor. It feels a little more real. It feels a little more all-encompassing.
Life is just feeling a little bit too hard right now, and I don’t have any magical answers for changing it.
When it’s the cusp of a new season, when life has been oh-so-difficult, I always have this urge to change everything. New wardrobe! New hobby! New schedule! I feel this insane desire to completely change over some part of me, thinking it will change my whole life.
Not only does it not change everything; it’s exhausting. I don’t have the time, or the budget, for half of the crazy ideas I somehow convince myself I need to start pursuing in my already-limited free time. I also don’t have the energy.
As I changed the sheets, I decided to flip my reversible comforter over – laughing to myself. My room was once gray-with-cream flourishes. Now it’s cream-with-gray. What a difference. What a change. New room, new me!
In the midst of this crazy season, in the midst of this fever and my school books to be packed and my laundry-from-two-days-ago to be put away – there is something I can do. There’s always something, however small, to be done. There’s always a choice to be made, even when everything seems so dang hard. There’s always some kind of silver lining to be found, even when life has somehow become a constant state of rolling-with-the-punches.
I don’t have a new back-to-school wardrobe, but I can wear a shirt that’s been hiding in the back of my closet. I’m not a new master expert at some random new hobby I picked up this weekend, but I did finish a new book! I’m not a whole brand new person, but I decided to sit in 5 minutes of silence tomorrow morning (meditation? mind nap? a break from Instagram? call it what you will). There’s always something we can do. There’s always some strange comfort to be found in flipping your comforter over.
Back to my (now clean sheets!) bed, because this fever won’t quit.